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Thursday, November 18th, 2004
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My life is like totally.. ugh. This is my first update in months and I seriously doubt anyone is gonna read it but it's not my fault i'm to poor to own a computer.
So here's a quick recap of the BULL SHIT:
- Some breaking up with Nick and assorted things like that
- A brief fling
- Expulsion from school
- No friends [still]
- Haven't talked to my dad in like forever
- Haven't talked to anyone in like forever
- Lots of drugs... The bad ones, not the less bad ones
- Everything sucks
I think I'm done for now because I have nothing to say.
Keepin it real<3
shell
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...Interesting?? Looks like maybe I shouldn't have turned matt down all those times.
My life is... a horror show. But it's okay. I'll be okay. I really don't want to talk about it.
</3Yes, we are far less than we knew.
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Summer. Oh yes.
Haven't been home more than two days since school let out. But who cares?
Today is going to be a nice day. Heather is picking me up in Quincy, because I'm at my brother's, because nobody loves me. Nick is working and he has my cell phone, so I feel naked. I wonder where I'm going to go tonight. Anywhere but home sounds nice.
Fireworks were a dissapointment to me and the 4th came and went with little notice. I feel like summer's almost over already.
I am so empty. Living like this is making me feel old and tired. Friends are few and far between, those that are still around are anything but loyal or true. Drinking is hardly entertaining anymore. Being in love isn't even as satisfying as it used to be, yet it' s the only glimmer of hope my battered soul has to rely on. I want to just, go away or something.
</3this clumsy form that i dispise
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Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
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I just finished my computer final, I have 2 hours left in school for the day. I just wanna go home.
Today is a nice day and I wish that I could take the last 7 or so months of my life back and spend it at my real home with my real friends or something. I hate thinking like that, but I can't help it sometimes. I could use a few days back at daddy's... Maybe I'll call him and see if he would like to see me tomorrow or something. But I probably won't so whatever.
Thursday... which is tomorrow, is Heather's birthday, and I must visit her. I get out of school at 9 30 so I'm pretty sure that's going to be do-able.
And you know what else, that whole parallel-universe thing, like where every decision you've ever made goes the other way and you live a completely different life, I've been thinking about that lately, way too much. I wish I could just live that other life for a few days, or maybe even stay there.
When I said that I have no regrets; I lied.
Where am I going to be after the bell rings and the summer starts? I've got 3 months to do something with my life, watch me waste it.
there's nothing left to sing about</3
Sherry, Shelly, Rachelle, whatever.
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You are "Oh You are The Roots That Sleep
Beneath My Feet and Hold the Earth in
Place". Alright, Alright, we know, you're
in love. How grand. Your special someone, or
the you wish was your special someone is pretty
much your world. This person is your strength
and you find nothing else in the world to be
relevant right now. It must be cool to be in
love.
Which BRIGHT EYES song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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School is almost out... only like... one more hour today, 3 tomorra, and 1.5 the next. It's been real.
Some people irritate me, and they should die.
Nothing more to see here.
</3
ps- I'm glad I'm not into the Sex Pistols anymore, too. =]
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Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
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I just want to start off by saying that I love that new Britney Spears song. And I don't care what you have to say about it.
But anyway, today I am starting my di-et/exercise situation. Wish me luck.
I want to see my boyfriend right now, because I am lonely and I miss him. I love having a boyfriend, it's like really cool to actually care about someone and have them care about me. I realized that lately I've been taking my relationship with Nick for granted, and I feel like shit for it. I'm so foolish sometimes.
...Only 20 more minutes left in school. =] Thank goodness. Then I have to go tomorrow and Friday, then it will be weekend time, then I have full days Monday and Tuesday, then a half day Wednesday, and finally, only 1 period Thursday. Yay for the end of the year!
I'm done for now.
<33
Rachelle
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Another weekend... *cough* *cough*... for the books. Recap:
Friday;
[$110]
walking
beach
pizza
icecream
cvs
shampoo
sleep
Saturday;
[$66 & $160 worth]
cookout
oscar
stupidity
dojo
e&j
parking lot
blizz
vomit
arielle's car
more vomit
head
mcdonalds
sex
sleep
Sunday
[$15]
blood
sex
brooks
kfc
loft
argument
sex
shower
argument
nuggz
sleep
waking up in a room full of strangers and no boyfriend in sight
couch
sleep
Monday
[$0]
cigarettes=GONE
alcohol=GONE
hunger
head
quickie
DQ
home
phone
sleep
But that's enough about that.
I feel like shit. =[ The substitute nurse sucks. I'm going to puke on her. Only one more week and a half of this shit. Which reminds me, I'm in aniticipation of summertime and all, but once it happens... then what? I bet it won't be the answer to my problems, it will probably just be another problem. Who knows? Who cares.
I want to go back to Abington, only minus the living with my dad thing. I miss everything. I'm perplexed. Boyfriends make things hard sometimes.
...I'm fucking leaving now.
</3>
8 *
6 h
3 c
7 u
- o
4 t
6 n
2 i
- p
1 e
8 e
7 k
© ©
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Ciara might have to get surgery, again... I hope not.
So yeh, it's nice out and i'm trying to take advantage of it. I think I'll take the baby to the beach when I get home or something.
Last night was bad, I almost lost the love of my life. But things are alright now. Thank goodness.
I hate how depressed I am lately. I just want school to end so I can breathe.
Moms is coming Saturday I think. It should be a good time. The little kids will get to see Nick and meet everyone and moms will get to meet the people that I'm always around. Yeh, it won't be bad.
I'm upset that I have no friends anymore. I have like Nick's friends, but none of my own. Especially not the ones that I used to have. I miss my friends, I miss Abington, and I wish that I was back there so bad. Being in love has major flaws. And in this town, I've literally got no friends. I just like baby sit all the time. Whoa, what a life. =[
I'm done now.
</3>By the way...
If you are who I think you are;
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Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
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No sleep last night. School is awful. My stomache is rotting itself inside out. But I'm ok. I'm always ok.
Saturday is Nick's party. He wants my mom and the kids to go. I wouldn't mind it. Maybe I would.
Sunday is 7 months. Is that a long time to be with someone. I think it is. Not too long though. Just comfortably long.
Ciara is at Children's Hospital. Milo clinic or something. I wish I had gone. I've been not too supportive of her lately, and LB has just been mean. We should make her a cake or something. I really do feel very bad for her, she hasn't even been able to go to school for nearly a month or something like that. I can't really relate to the feeling of wanting to go to school and not being able to, but I know a lot of similar feelings, and they all suck.
And this is for Aimee: I love you very much, and I hope that all is well. I miss you and wish to see you soon. And I love Dane Cook. <33
I feel like I'm going to be sick. So bye. </3
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All I know is that things aren't getting better... they just aren't
I just miss my boyfriend and I wanna be with him, but nooo, not this weekend. This weekend has to totally suck.
That's enough... I've had enough.
</3>And my heart stretches out, across miles of high way.
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Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
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I'm back.. It's hard to resist the computer in front of my face, and avoiding doing my work.
I some how broke the zipper on Nick's Enyce sweatshirt... I think there's gonna be some anger when I tell him. I don't know. Zippers suck anyway, everyone knows clothes should just tear off. =]
I feel like ultra depressed. The only thing keeping me from crying right here and now is my Kati message. And that just kinda makes me more sad because I miss her. I want to call my mom and go home because I feel sad. I wish I didn't have to come to school. It's too hard for me to sit here like this and not commit suicide. I need meds. I have no meds. I need adderall, fuck the girl with the prescription, and I don't want any ritalin. Jeeze.
So what if I did get hit by a car and die? I think it would be pretty memorable. I'm too scared for that shit though. So instead, I'll sit around and do nothing, because that's what I'm good at.
And about that health class... I already know I don't want to have a kid yet, I don't need an electronic baby to porove it. I think God just wants to humiliate me and my mothering skills. God's like that, ya know.
I miss Abington so much. I wanna go back. That'd be ill. Maybe I'd even go to school, unlike now. Did I mention that today is day 7 of attending school? This shit's gotta stop.
Okay, I'm really done now...Really.
</3> the phone slips from a loose grip
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So I'm sitting here in computer class, when suddenly my phone buzzes at me [indicating a text message] and who does it be? ... My KIBBY!!! Ohhhmygosh, I'm so excited. I miss her like whoa. It's so gay that I haven't seen her in like a year. It's crazy how people go away like that. It sucks a lot and I don't like it, but I'm glad that she's happy in Shrewsbury and all that. =]
Ya know what, people are stupid, and I've got to pee. I wanna go home so bad, too. I think I'm gonna call moms at lunch and make her come pick me up. I feel like killing myself. School always puts me in the best of moods. [note: sarcasm] And on a lighter note, I decided that I wanna get hit by a car. I keep seeing it over and over in my brain. Like headlights in the distance, and relief. I want that so bad. I'm too much of a pussy for anything like that though. So I'll just sit around and cry about my awful life and never do anything to fix it because I hate myself and I'm just allowing myself to become this nothing, some loser, and it doesn't bother me. It's like I seriously just do not care anymore. Not at all. Everything's just so hard for me now, I can't smile anymore, I only feel good when I'm with my love. That's the only time. And even then I always have to leave him and come back to this dump, so it's just a tease.
I'm happy that Nick is graduating next week, I think. I'm proud of him, I really am. I'm just torn over it. I want him to grow up and get a job and money and go to college, but I don't want him to leave me behind. He's graduating from high school in less that TWO WEEKS, and even if I pass this year I still won't be out of high school for THREE YEARS. It's sad for me. I want to be grown up and not have to deal with any of this shit anymore. That's what I want. I want it to be me and my nicholas together and nobody else, and no school bull shit or anything. I hate my life so bad. I'm done feeling sorry for myself... for now.
</33> blue skies from pain*
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I'm bored...
table style='font-family : Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; border-collapse: collapse; border: 1px solid black;' cellspacing='0' cellpadding='2' align='center'></table>
HAHAHA!!!
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
...I'm a bad person.
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I'm angry. Mom's trying to tell me that I can't go out out on the Saturday of Abington's graduation, and I have to go to Dustin's queer party, and she doesn't want me going to other graduation parties [including my own boyfriend's] but I will anyway. Moms are so silly sometimes.
And on another note, I hate school. Today's day 2 in a row. =] thumbs up for me. Yep, I'm awesome.
It's a shame that I have no life and nothing to talk about. Bye for now I guess. </3> And I hang like a star*
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I am depressed. It's official.
</3
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The past weekend was ill. I got to stay over maggie's thursday and friday, tony's saturday, go to nick's house with his mom there, met strippers, went the pits, went to the beach, chilled with hailey for the first time in manys. It was overall a good weekend. And I quit my job. Cathy made me feel like a dirtbag loser though. Idk. I gotta go do some health and then I'll post a real post next period. <33
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The show the other night was good, I enjoyed it, although I didn't exactly look like I did. Motion City Soundtrack was amazing as always, and Story of The Year was as good as they could potentially be, but considering I don't love them I wasn't wet over the performance. The Metallica cover was ill tho, so props for that. The drive home at 1 o'clock in the morning was perfect- On a Wire & Something to Write Home About- Aww man, I love the Get up Kids.
Nick comes home from Florida tomorrow. <33
Work is a massive issue for me. I just started and I know it's totally not going to work out. The only reason I even said I'd do it is because everyone else wants me to have this summer job or whatever working at the coffee shop. But like seriously, I don't want to work every weekend morning until school gets out, and all the time during the summer. I want to 'disapear again into a summer's bliss of staying out and sleeping in and getting drunk with my friends'. I don't want to work at a suck ass job in a town that I hate. The dilemma is that now I have dug myself a grave by taking the job. I just got so consumed in everyone else's excitement for me and lost all regard for my personal wants and needs. [Which are as follows; I want to spend time with my boyfriend. I want to spend time with my friends. I want to get out of this town during the weekend. I want to stay out late and not have to get up and go to work. I do not want to get up early on weekends. I need to keep myself focused on being happy. I do not need money. I do not need the responsability of work. I do not need the stress. And I DO NOT WANT OR NEED A JOB.] I'm just not sure what I should do. Everyone's going to think I'm lazy and that's why I don't want to work, but seriously, working beats the hell out of school.
Which leads me to my next issue, which is [as always] school. I need to get put on an IEP and get my shit together because I can't function like this. I have the worst time even going to school, and when I get here I'm like so weighed down by the work load, and so stressed out from the anxiety. Everything is just escalating and it's really making me sad.
//. I can't live like this .//
You're not even there to comfort me or support me. Do you even care about me anymore? Did you ever? It's just like all you're there for is to remind me of how worthless I am. So fuck you.
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Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
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Choose a band/or artist and answer only in lyrics by that band:: Sublime
Are you female or male:: I knew right away she was not like other girls.
Describe yourself:: Nobody ever told her it's the wrong way...
How do some people feel about you:: Call me selfish, call me what you'd like, I think it's right.
How do you feel about yourself:: Ain't nothing wrong, ain't nothing right, and still I sit and lay awake all night.
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:: To see his pain would be his greatest ambition.
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:: I was always taught that boy meets girl, fall in love get married and forget the world. <33
Describe where you want to be:: We took this trip to garden grove...
Describe what you want to be:: I only hear what you told me to be...
Describe how you live:: Saying I'm happy when I'm not, finding roaches in the pot.
Describe how you love:: If I had a shotgun, you know what I'd do? I'd point that shit straight at the sky and shoot heaven on down for you.
Share a few words of wisdom:: It does not pay to be drunk and horny ... but no seriously... no me propongo predicar, vive y dejar vivir pero el amigo es un condon en el bolsillo [I'm not trying to preach, live and let live But a man's best friend is a condom in his pocket] ... and finally... I'd take it away, but I want more and more, one day I'm gonna lose the war.
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sorrysoselfishx's journal
indescribable.
determined.
hopeful.
exhausted.
nauseated.
pessimistic.
depressed.
aggravated.
good.
anxious.